what hope sounds like

Lately I’ve had some hard days.
I’ve written about some of it (see last post), other things I’ve left out.
Some of my friends keep asking if I’m ok.
And I’m really not.
But I don’t quite have time to let myself not be.

And I hesitate to say that I’m not.
Because none of it is really my grief.
It is all secondhand.
Losing a student is tough. But it is not like losing a son or a brother or a best friend.
Another friend is in the hospital.
She lost a son in August and is pregnant again with some serious complications.
20 weeks along with a little girl named Piper.

And yesterday, after my day job.
I had a play date and got to see a friend of my own that I have missed.
I made dinner for a neighbor who had surgery.
I stopped by the funeral home to give a girl a hug who just lost her twin.
A girl who happened to be Owen’s first baby sitter.
Who called from her cell phone in the middle of MY class to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl while I was getting a sonogram. And I’m not even sure how she got my number….but I guess when your dad is the assistant principal you have connections like that.
A girl whose grief and loss breaks my heart in so many ways.
And I didn’t go inside or say anything.
I just hugged her on the front steps and wiped away my tears.
And packed up my kids and was off to swim lessons.
And from there I went to see my Beth in the hospital.

And my Beth is easy. Even in a very difficult situation.
Our girls filled her hospital room with their squeals and giggles.
And we talked easily about movies and friends and her cervix.
And afterwards I ate good food with an old friend.
And went home and packed a sack lunch with a note tucked inside and put a baby to bed.

And as I laid down, I was again consumed by all this grief.
And that I am choosing it.
Because really, let’s be honest.
It would be easier to just send a card. Or even flowers.
But giving grief a hug or driving a long way just to sit in a hospital room and eat craisons is awfully hard on my heart.
And my heart is tired. And I’m not so sure how much more it can take.
But there are still lunches to pack, and papers to grade and banquets and showers and birthday parties and soccer games to get to.

And last night, just before I left the hospital.
My friend’s nurse came in to take her temperature and blood pressure and those kinds of things. And I’m not sure why I asked, but I did anyways.
If she could let us listen to the heartbeat.
And she came back in with her Doppler and jelly.
And we heard the swish of the baby moving. And the quick lub-dub of her heart beating strong despite all the things going against her.
And for the first time in days…
I heard what hope sounds like.

5 comments:

Justine said...

Oh I feel for you. So sorry there's so much bad news around you.

The heartbeat as hope is a great reminder to us that life continues, amid the chaos and pain. And someday it will be better again.

This too shall pass.

Dawn said...

I know I'm one of those people who keeps asking but I'm here for you when you want to talk or to not talk. Carrying others grief and sharing in their pain is hard. You are an amazing friend. Thank you for being honest.

Sara B. said...

I'm a friend of Beth's. Thanks for posting. Grief sucks. I'm glad we have hope of a better eternity - the epitome of BEST ever. I am glad you got to hear the heartbeat and have some hope of good things instilled in your hurting heart again. We've, many of us, been there and these little breaths of hope keep speaking to us to persevere. God bless.
Sara

nachogy said...

Yes, that sounds like hope. It requires such a steady faith and hope in God to make it through that. Ex. 23:26 My precious one is now 8 and I still tear up when I think about constantly praying that scripture in moments of doubt.

I appreciate your honest thoughts. Sometimes when life is hard, it has nothing to do with our personal circumstances. If our circle of family and friends struggles or hurts, it is heavy.

AziL® said...

oh wow, you made me cry here.

i remember when i felt what you exactly felt! (http://afvillarin.blogspot.com/2011/03/sad-truth-and-consequence.html)

But you know, God is good all the time! knowing that is alone the greatest of all hopes!