prone to wander.

The other day I was talking with someone about Kelli Corigan’s new book. Particuarly the end of the book. Where her friend, who just turned 40, decided that she was going to try and get pregnant from a sperm bank. Because even though she did not have a husband she wanted nothing more than to be a mom.

My friend talked about how she might have done the same thing had she been in her shoes. Or would at least consider it. Because she so desperately wanted to be a mother. And thankfully she is to a couple of beautiful girls. And I stared back at her a little blankly because I have never wondered down this path.
And I felt so unsettled because I don’t think that seed is planted in me so strongly.
The mothering seed.

Don’t get me wrong.
I wanted my babies.
We tried for them.
I talked my husband into them.
I might even want another.
And I love them fiercely.
I would walk through fire for them.
I’d give them both my kidneys. Without a second thought.

But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had certain freedoms back.
Like the freedom to go to a movie whenever I want.
Or the freedom to go to the bathroom by myself.
Or sleep all night with out someone waking me up.
And especially the freedom to wander.

And so when someone asks me …what maybe I would do if I were my age and single.
My brain doesn’t jump to being a mother and how I’d make that happen or miss it or so desperately want it.
Instead I think of all the places I could go and things I could do.
I think of the things that for now have to wait.
My single friends who have been to Africa and Austrailia and Italy. While I make lots of trips to the land of Target.
Not a day passes where I don’t think I want to go to ________ ( Haiti or New York or Africa or Austin or Maine). I don’t want to run away from my life. At least not for very long. And I’m not saying I can’t still go to some of these places. I can. But there are more pressing needs(like diapers and dinner). I'd also take more risks.
Because taking risks is tricky when you have little ones depending on you.
My decisions need to be about my family. Not just me.

And most of the time I'm so glad it's not just me.
And these two are well worth the wait.
If I had to pick. I’d still pick my life all over again.
The one with drive-thrus and soccer games and bounce house parties instead of passport stamps and fancy restaurants and professional prestige.

And maybe sometimes it is still ok to let my mind wander…even if I don’t.

3 comments:

Knox McCoy said...

I really liked this. Very honest and open and I appreciate that.

It takes courage to admit that honesty, but it takes even more to put those desires on hold.

Thanks for sharing.

Margie said...

A friend of mine went the sperm bank route and is very glad she did, although having read "The Genius Factory," I wonder when her son will begin to get intensely curious about his father.

Like you, I never wanted to work so hard for kids, and even came darn close to not having any which scares the heck out of me. But, even now, I don't long for what else is out there anymore. With my children, I have finally found my place. I've been contemplating a post about this, so you'll probably see something about it fairly soon.

Katie Delp said...

I so relate...thanks for posting