going nowhere part 1

I go and visit one of my friends every week or two.
She has been on bedrest for the last few months.
She is stuck on the couch and I just know that would drive me out of my mind so I come.

At first I go because I think that this is what friends do.
They show up.
They bring food.
And well, I know friends are supposed to do a lot more things than that.
Like remember birthdays and not make insensitive comments.
And I keep screwing those up.
But I’m good at showing up and getting take out.

And visiting my friend is a little bit hard.
Because her life is difficult right now and I can’t do anything about it.
I can’t bring her son back.
I can’t get her husband a job.
I can’t heal her tear or promise her that this baby will make it.
All I can do is sit with her on the couch.
Sitting on the couch with her means I have to be willing to go through the hard with her.
Feel some of her loss and hope and doubt in my own heart.
Even if that is rarely what we talk about.

But I have started to really look forward to seeing her.
And my time at her house.
And I am busy and squeezing out this time is sometimes tricky.
But I am starting to look forward to it. To want it. To make my visits closer together.
And it isn’t so much about “being a good friend”, but more about hanging out with one.
Because I am starting to enjoy my time on the couch.

I like showing up in my pajamas.
I like sitting down.
Not going anywhere.
Not drinking anything.
And just being.
Watching TV.
Breaking up toddler fights.
And trying to clean up after myself for a change.
Getting my own glass of water.
And talking about nothing and everything all in the same sentence.

There is very little pretending on that couch.
There is nothing easy or off limits or pretentious.
I am starting to really like her couch.
I’m sure my friend is anxious to get off of it.
Or to hold a newborn on it.
And I’m starting to be more sure that the time for that will come.
Until then, I hope she saves me a spot next to her.

(p.s. and to those of you that actually know me or my couch friend...this was obviously written a few weeks ago. I'll follow it up with an update soon enough)