So. I have this blog. Maybe you've noticed. I’ve had it for a while. This is my 601st post. I even look at my stats a few times a week. They aren’t great, but lets just say that more people read it that I don’t know than I do. When I played the game I got more traffic and weekly emails from people asking me pimp their products. A publisher on occasion getting my hopes up. Sometimes I even got really nice emails. And occasionally I even got some mean ones. And they got to me every time.
But my closest friends know that I have an unwritten rule. Don’t talk about my blog.
Well, at least not in large groups. And never with people I don’t know.
Even my husband knows not to read it in front of me.
Or if you do (and yes it is ok, I'm a fan of breaking rules), be warned that I might get kind of weird on you.
Even if I am the one to bring it up.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally dig the compliments.
I even secretly crave them.
Just expect me to get all red in the face and stare at the ground.
Or try and change the subject and once I even literally ran away.
One time I had someone ask me if they could email it to my coworkers.
I said yes with conditions, but warned them that they would find me puking in the bathroom. I’ve avoided a few people who talk about it too much.
One friend brought it up in front of my class and I jerked her by the arm and took her out in the hallway and said to never do that again.
The other day another co-worker took a stab at it and I said I wanted to kick him in the face (yes, real mature of me I know). And I totally meant it.
But. It is public.
It links automatically to my facebook. I could probably figure out how to turn it off, but I’m not really sure I want to.
And I want my friends and family and even plenty of strangers to read it. I’m even slightly offended if they don’t.
I even want more people to read it. But don’t expect me to go broadcasting it.
Yet, I’m still strangely private about this very public thing. That I do completely 100% by choice.
Because it makes me feel really naked.
I say things here that I don’t always say outloud.
I’ve said many times that I’m open and honest and authentic here.
But not too open and honest.
I filter. I pick and choose. I occasionally take some creative liberties.
I leave out the really hard stuff. I don’t talk about things that might hurt other people. I am occasionally intentionally vague even when I want to be specific. The last thing I want is my students landing here…but I try to not say anything too revealing just in case they do. But even if I wasn’t worried about keeping my job.
I’ve hit a point where I’m kind of limited…
Some of my family reads this.
People I work with read this.
People I go to church read this.
Some of my friends read this.
I couldn’t face them if I put it all out here.
So I’m limited by two things:
1. protecting people I care about (which is a good limitation)
2. shame (not so good)
and today I read this post on shame ….and LOVED.
and just in case you don’t take the time to read it….here is my favorite quote:
“Sometimes people ask me how I do it, how I lay all my crap out there for the whole world to see, open to judgement and ridicule. They ask me where I've found the freedom to be myself no matter who's watching. They wonder how I “get away with it”, as if I'm breaking some unspoken law of Christian living that says “Above all, never stop pretending to be perfect.”
My answer is always the same:
I can be "authentic" or "transparent", or whatever, because I don't give a hot shit what you think of me. “
Now is also a good time to mention that the author is a Christian missionary servng in Costa Rica. And her posts and language isn't exactly Elisabeth Elliot approved, but it makes me want to be her friend!….She also goes on to explain further in terms of Adam and Eve…and you should really click on it and read the whole post…(or atleast this part)
I love the story of Adam and Eve, in Genesis. It always gives me pause when I get to the part where it says they were 'naked and unashamed'. Mmhmm, bare-assed and unashamed at the core of our creation. It's not until later that we get all mortified to see that our junk is showing. It's not until after the fall of man that we start hiding in the shrubs and fashioning leaves into underpants. That's where God finds us, shivering in our fig and ivy blend bloomers, and He asks, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Seriously. Who told you to be ashamed?
With everything that's in me, I want my life to be a fulfillment of the person God Created me to be. I understand that because of my brokenness I don't get to spend my days waltzing through Eden. But, in the story of Adam and Eve, I can hear Him whispering my name, saying,
“Baby Girl, you weren't created to hide in the bushes, you were made to live in the garden... Be who you are. I love you that way.”
And I am not there.
I have all kinds of shame even in my continual effort to be honest about my mess.
I hide in lots of bushes. And usually like to cover up with way more than a fig leaf.
And maybe it isn’t the best idea to put it all online.
Or say it all outloud. Or write it all in an email.
Because it is really hard to protect yourself when you are exposed.
Online. Or outloud.
It feels naked.
But, maybe that is the only way to Eden.