getting it back

Yesterday I was waiting on a friend outside of Starbucks, and a favorite name showed up on my phone. One from out of state. That I rarely get to talk to.

For lots of reasons like…we are both working moms w/ 2 little kids....which doesn't leave a lot of overlapping phone time. A slight time difference.  Her cell service stinks. But also because if I am going to talk to her. I am really going to talk. Like real stuff. And we will laugh. But the big stuff will come bubbling up. Because there is no pretending with this friend.

So. I answered even though I only had minutes. And I don’t think she knew what hit her. I unloaded. All kinds of stuff that I had been keeping inside. Some of it I wasn’t  sure of until I heard myself say it outloud. And even though I totally dominated the conversation with my ranting, She didn’t complain. Even though she has her own stuff. She made the right funny comments and didn’t make me feel bad. And by the time I was done there was only a sliver of time to talk about her. And turns out she knew exactly what I was feeling. Because in some ways we were in the same boat. And we aren’t really the sappy type so we mostly just made funny jokes about our serious mess.

And. same friend. Her facebook status the day before said this

"There was a time when you were five years old, and you woke up full of awesome. Somewhere along the line, so many little girls lose that, without ever considering maybe the people trying to take their awesome are full of shit..."

And both of us don’t have a lot to complain about. Jobs we like. Husbands who are great guys. Ridiculously cute blonde kids. Houses. Lots of friends and full social calendars. And we both usually laugh more than we cry. But sometimes we both still feel a little broken.

My wounds are still healing. 4 small incsisions on my abdomen. But these are just the ones on the outside. And I keep reading and hearing how easy and uncomplicated gallbladder surgery is. How quickly people heal and get back to work. And I went back to work for the first full day today and I feel run over. It was good to be back and to some kind of normal. But by lunch I had already taken my daily allotment of alleve and felt myself fading fast. I am not bouncing back as quick as I’d like. I keep trying to rest. But that is hard to do. With soccer practice and dance class and papers to grade and it seems like there is something every night this week. I wont even mention Tess turning 3 this weekend! So I’m feeling like a pansy. And tired. But. Somehow. Today I still felt more like a person than I have in almost a month. I think I got so used to being sick and tired that I forgot what it felt like to be well.

And getting well doesn’t happen overnight. Especially when someone takes a nice small organ tucked under your right rib cage and pulls it through your belly button.

My friend still has all her organs. But she knows loss more than hopefully I ever will. And how it feels when it takes longer than people expect for you to heal.
But. that doesn’t make us broken.
Nor do all the other things we talked about.

I liked her silly quote. I was tired of feeling like this. And decided that we were going to get our awesome back.

So I started by looking the quote up…and found the slightly longer version of it here: http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/

And it is true. My little girl just insisted on going to Target with me wearing cowboy boots and pajamas and fairy wings. And she was proud. She sang at the top of her lungs from the cart and didn’t care who saw. As a matter a fact I'm pretty sure she wanted people to see.

My son is just a few years older. And he still laughs hard and likes to be silly. But. he has started to get embarrassed. To know that people are watching. That some things are cool and some things aren’t. Somewhere between 3 and 6 he is losing just a little bit of awesome. He is no less great and cute and funny and smart. He is just slightly less sure of it. And by the time he is twelve, he will almost be fully convinced that he is not. And that scares me.

And don’t even get me started on myself. I think I’m a pretty confident girl most seasons, but would never describe myself as awesome. Or sing at the top of my lungs in a grocery store. Or twirl in public. Or wear fairy wings and hot pink cowboy boots. Well. Maybe I’d wear the boots.

But I felt that way once,  and there has to be a way to get some of that back.
I texted my friend and told her we were on a quest.
Project Awesome is underway.
And it is a ridiculously corny and silly but I am already feeling better.

I wasn’t sure what to do …..but….I made us a list of 7 things to do this week. And she could be in charge of next week's list. Some are silly. Like sing at the top of your lungs. And some are serious. And some are things I’d never in a million years print on my blog …so I wont be printing my list here. Sorry. Make your own project awesome. If you need help I like this girl's list (read all five).
And this website made me happy too….
http://1000awesomethings.com/the-top-1000/
A few of my faves (and no I did not take the time to read all 1000)
#996 opening a new can of tennis balls and smelling them
#951 hearing a stranger fart in public
#837 pushing those little buttons on the soft drink lid
#813 museum gift shops
#809 new socks day
#794 people that you don’t clean up for when they come to visit
#754 when someone gives you their last piece of gum
#736 the smell of play do
#700 making someone laugh when they’ve got a really full mouth.

Because awesome is out there if you are willing to look for it.

And Ann Voskamp wrote a whole book about it. She just calls it eucharisto. And pointed out that it is biblical. Thanking God for the little stuff like clean sheets and and jeans fresh out of the dryer.

So. Getting our awesome back might sound a little silly and ridiculous. But. if Tess doesn’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t either.


this wasn't tonight's outfit. but the ridiculous is a pretty common theme. unlike matching shoes. tights ontop of pants is also a fashion idea that should not be repeated!

and this girl....doesn't need any help either!

(and because my husband thinks chick drummers are awesome....)



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