i wonder where my passport is?

Blogging is how I tend to process things.
But some things are just too big to write about.

Like how great my husband is.
A camp I used to go to.
Some of my favorite friendships
And the huge ridiculous love I have for my kids.

Sometimes there just aren’t words.

Haiti has kind of been like that.
So despite everyone else’s blog posts about it.
I haven’t gone there.
Yes. I have seen the pictures.
Yes. My heart broke for these people.
And something instantly in me wanted to go.

But that was it.
I tried to help organize some fund raising efforts at school.
But mostly I have done nothing.
Except change the channel, because it is all a little too much to take in.
I haven’t even sent a dime.

On Friday I read this blog:
http://flowerdust.net/2010/01/22/im-going-to-haiti/
And felt a twinge of what she said wasn’t really ok.
Jealous.
Because I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t have any money to send.
And it is so hard to sit and watch the news and do nothing.
And I know in the middle of all that rubble
Is God.
And yes. I know that god is here too.
But here he is sometimes allusive.
Hard to hear and find in the middle of all the starbucks and shopping malls.
But there He is passing out food.
There He is bandaging up the wounded.
There He is holding babies.
There He is offering up hope.
and maybe if I was there I could be a part of that,
rather than just watching some telethon on TV.

And again. I know that I can do things and be a part of all of that here.
But.
There are stories there.
And I want to tell them
And I want to be a part of them.
But I am here.
And don’t really see how I’d get there.
My stomach doesn’t travel well.
I don’t have any days off.
And I don’t have a way to pay for it.

But today at lunch with some people I haven’t seen in over a decade
An old friend said that she would be going to Haiti soon.
And before I even knew what I was saying.
“Can I come?”
Slipped out of my mouth.

And I meant it.
And I’m not really sure about all the details.
Like how I’ll pay for it.
Or what I will be doing there.
Or if my stomach will behave.
And did I mention that it is soon. In less than 2 months.
And somehow I think all the details will work out.
And if they don’t.
It will be ok.
Because it feels really good to tell Him that
I will go.
Because suddenly He is also very much here.

4 comments:

Anne Jackson said...

This is a lovely post and you are a lovely writer.

Regardless of your location, your prayers and thoughts and heart and surrender are united with all of the saints, regardless of where we all are.

Without your prayers, thoughts, heart and surrender this trip, for me -- going -- would be so difficult.

So thank you for your prayers, thoughts, heart, and surrender -- and sharing how you've processed all these things.

I hope you get to go, and if that's not the right step for you, I pray you'll find exceeding joy and confidence in that step, whatever it may be.

samskat said...

I hope that you get to go. I will PRAY that God makes this happen for you. Please keep us updated on this. And if there's something that I can do besides just pray, please let me know.

(And I'm with you on the camp you used to go to....)

Amelia said...

i love this post, michelle. and after reading the beautiful entry, i glanced down to see "butt check" as the next title. cracked me up. :)

Margie said...

I am a little jealous if you get to go. As I read this, I realized that I want to help, to do something different to live my faith. To get my hands dirty, and help those who need so very much.

I hope you'll write more about this soon. And I hope you get to go. I really, really do.