not so good Friday

Most of Friday night was spent in the ER of Children’s Medical City in Dallas. Owen was wheezing again…..and the inhaler (yes he already has an inhaler) wasn’t doing the trick. A little before 3 am, almost 6 hours and 4 rounds of oxygen later, we finally got to go home. This wasn’t Owen’s first trip to get oxygen – but it was the first time in a full fledge emergency room. I watch lots of medical shows….House and Grey’s……and it didn’t feel anything like that. My resident wasn’t Meridith Grey, there was no McDreamy or grumpy man with a cane. Just a kid struggling to breathe. My kid. There were moments that I wanted to cry. I was scared. Owen was getting worse and I couldn’t fix it. I knew in the back of my mind that he would be ok. It was just asthma. A few breathing treatments and some steroids and we would eventually get to go home. Some kids don’t have that luxury. But I still wanted to cry. I kept having to tell myself not to think about it, to just keep going. The hours ticked by and we befriended the other patients around us. Any time there was a lull and my tired mind got to wander……I had to tell it not to think. He was hooked up to a monitor that gave his oxygen saturation ( which is actually what kept as at the hospital so long – it has to be over 92 to go home and O’s never stabilized above that but by 3 am we voted on going home rather than spending the night in that recliner.) and his heart rate. His oxygen was too low and his heart rate too high. At some points I couldn’t watch it. Those numbers not where they were supposed to be scared me. Owen was happy enough watching Happy Feet in Spanish, but I was secretly glad those monitors weren’t hooked up to me. My heart rate would have set off the alarms too. I felt bad having to turn away. Like some horrible mom who couldn’t face what my child was going through. But Owen seemed ok, it was just me who couldn’t handle it.
Iv’e never really understood that part on Calvary where God turned away. I’ve been taught it was seeing all that sin on His blameless son but… when Jesus had to ask, “my God my God why have you forsaken me”…..I still want to shake him and ask How could he disappear when He needed him the most? My early morning hours in Children’s Medical City isn’t much of a comparison to the cross……but I got a tiny glimpse of why such a loving Father couldn’t bear to watch.


"Bluebonnet in the snow" said...

This is profound! Thanks for making me think about this in a new way.

nikki said...

beckett had his first asthma attack yesterday...enjoyed reading your thoughts-they seeemed a bit more real!