the waiting game

Lately I haven’t felt very productive in most areas of my life.

I have been going to all kinds of work trainings and I always leave a little conflicted.
Like I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
That maybe I should quit and really try to write or serve in some bigger ways.
That maybe I should teach at a rougher school down the road.
Loving bigger and harder.
Or that maybe I should be just doing my current job better.
Because really, I kind of like where I am at.
But maybe start actually getting papers graded on time and getting lesson plans turned in for a change.  That I should be the ones teaching the workshops, rather than sitting in them, and using that Masters degree of mine.
I keep waiting to do something with my life,
And the writing is always at a stalemate.
I still have no idea what I want to do with it.
And so I just keep doing the same things.
And the same things are good things.
And my kids are little, and probably the most important investment of my time right now and on some levels I need everything else to be easy. For it to wait.
But sometimes, I still feel like I am waiting for the important parts to start.
And I’m not really sure what exactly I’m waiting on.
But I’ll be the first to tell you it isn’t God.
Because I think that is a complete cop out.

Because I really don’t think he is going to shoot me an email and tell me what to be when I grow up.
Or even what to do tomorrow.
Because God isn’t like that. At least not very often. He rarely is into giving us specific plans or road maps. I'm not saying we can't have hints or clues or better paths than others, but....
Unless you are a pregnant virgin, a Pharisee or knocked on your ass on the way to Damascus, or shoved in front of a burning bush.
There are some crazy stories in the bible, for some specific people with specific plans.
But mostly it is just filled with other people following, going, screwing up and trying again.
I think for the most of us, the path is pretty wide open.
We just have to go.

And make sure my plan lines up in some way with His.
Which is pretty much just to love and restore and help people (and the whole bring him glory thing).
And I assure you, if I am doing anything to love and help and restore it isn’t by myself.
By myself, I am pretty much only good for reading books, making a mess and drinking coffee.
And of course praying and listening aren’t bad ideas either.

But waiting.
Well, I’m pretty tired of that.

(and I’d totally like to take credit for most of these thoughts, but really I’m just finally starting to write about and process some of the stuff I learned in Portland. Donald Miller says everything I just said but lots better here )


Margie said...

I get this. I've been thinking about tackling some of these same ideas in a post, but am kind of overwhelmed by it all. Started A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and had to stop. It was making me feel like I wasn't doing anything at all, that merely doing laundry and wishing my house was cleaner was keeping me from Something Bigger, and it was unsettling. What I strive for is contentment wherever I am, and seeking God in all the moments. I need to revisit Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. I felt centered and certain when I read it.

Hyacynth said...

One thing I've been learning {because I've often felt much like you feel with this waiting for the big stuff thing} is that God is up to something. Right now. Right here. In my living room. In your space. He's up to something. And mostly He's doing what He does. He graciously invites us to be part of what He does. And it's up to us to listen ... and then respond.
I have a hard time listening. I always want to blaze some big bold path. But He's doing so much already, that joining in would be such better use of my time.
You're not alone in these feelings, if that comforts you.