new part two,the down side

a few weeks ago i wrote about all the fantastic things of something new.

scrap it.

Last week I started a new amazing job. I kept waiting for the catch. the pay was better. My schedule was better. The oppertunity to advance was better. The setting was better. The support was better. Everyone was so nice. It all made me want to be even better.

And then the catch. Purely by accident I discovered that I will be teaching 2 TAKS math classes. Keep in mind this is Friday and school starts Monday and that I am a science teacher. Now to be fair, I am the TAKS girl on campus, but no TAKS classes, particuarly not non subject area classes were ever part of the deal. I fell apart. No materials, No background, and No time and 50 kids. I did what anyone else in my postion woulld do -- my chin started to quiver. I couldnt control it and next thing i knew i was doing something i had NEVER EVER done in my 8 years of teaching. I cried in front of an administrator ( and about a dozen others). Now, it is no secret that teachers (especially new ones) often cry on the way home....but you never lose it in front of your class or your principal. If I see a teacher crying before school even starts I start taking bets on whether or not she will make it to the end of the year. I am not usually a crier anyways, but here I was all red eyed trying to get a pull it together without much success.

I have confidence in my experience and knowledge. God wants me to have confidence in him.
I have all these great ideas and pursuits and goals. God has other ideas.
I am so excited about my new great kids. God says, these other kids, the ones some people think aren't so great, need you more.
I can write science lesson plans in my sleep. God has a new plan.
I am starting to regret coming here. God says trust me.
This isn't what I agreed to. God says I never promised it would be easy.
I was comfortable. God says to grow.
I am so scared. God says good, now maybe you will rely on me rather than your own abilities.
I can't do this. God says you're right, but we can.

I hate new and sure hope God knows algebra.

Comments

Alyssa said…

M - That stinks, plain and simple. The old bait and switch tactic is supposed to be reserved for use by unscrupulous salespeople, not a school administrator who offers a teacher a cool new position. The good thing is that I bet your partner God aced algebra!

August 25, 2007 at 8:09 AM

Either/Or

Recently I met an old friend for lunch. He was actually my senior high prom date. He wasn’t just my prom date, but had been my friend for a good part of high school. And our group has mostly stayed in touch through the years. But not him. Even though we live in the same big metroplex, I hadn’t seen him in almost 15 years. At prom, He even won some kind of senior superlative, Mr. BHS or something like that. In other words, he was well-liked, nice, funny and smart. And it helped that he drove a Camero. We didn’t break up or have a falling out. He kind of just disappeared. And not just from me, but from everyone. And I had looked for him. At class reunions. On myspace. And eventually, only about a year ago, he finally showed up on facebook. When he did, I suggested we get together for dinner or something. And he responded with a really awkward email. Explaining that he was gay. Warning me. Trying to let me out of my dinner invitation if I wanted. And I already knew this. Possibly I had ev...

me too

I used to never question God. It was just part of the way things were. Just like I believed in Santa and the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. And eventually I grew up and started to wonder. I always believed, But occasionally I started to wonder if he was always good. If he really loved me. Singular me rather than an all inclusive version. That he was paying attention. That my prayers mattered.` And I didn’t know that I should play by the rules. That questioning these outloud things in a Bible study or Sunday School class Will get you bumped to the top of the prayer list. Because I know. But sometimes I wonder. And I didn’t need their scripture memory verses or their books or their prayers. (but I guess prayers never hurt) And I was just hoping for someone else to say “me too”. And, Jason Boyett’s book, O Me of Little Faith Is one great big “me too” And like most books I like he asks a whole lot more questions than he answers. Hard ones. Ones without real answers. Ones that make me wa...

Of course I did.

Today I am supposed to be doing my last installment in five for ten and write about "yes". And this is not at all the post I intended. But life sometimes doesn't take the turns we want it to. And yesterday a teacher friend of mine called and told me about a memorial service for one of my former studetns and asked if maybe I would consider saying something. And keep in mind, that as a teacher, I pretty much speak to groups of people all day for a living. But. If I have to say something serious and heartfealt, even to an audience of one, I usually get all mumbly and stare at my shoes and forget what I was going to say. Even though I love this kid....and will miss him terribly I have a hard time imaging myslef on stage talking to an auditorium filled with grief stricken friends and family. I texted another friend about my reservations. And she knows all too well my mumbly shoe staring state. And she replied, "Did you say yes?" Did which I typed back. "of cour...

idontbelieveingrammar

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