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Canceled

I inhale books. So much so that I’m occasionally embarrassed by my intake.

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t work or pay attention to my family. I’m just a fast reader and I don’t watch a lot of TV or play any games on my phone. Well – except for Wordle of course.


My library card get a lot of miles.However, I still probably spend an embarrassing amount on books. 

Even though I often put books in those cute little free libraries – I still have more books than shelves. 


Today I did something tragic. 

I did not renew my book of the month membership. 

And let's be honest, it is more like three books a month. 

I am not unhappy with the customer service, quality  or selection. 

Book of the Month, I promise …it’s not you - it’s me. 


I want to invest in my writing and I realize this going to cost me. 

I don’t want to take that money from my family or my kid’s college funds. 

Instead I had to evaluate what I was willing to give up. 

What financial choices impact me but not as many other people in my house.


It is a hard thing to quit things you love.

Or to brew my own lattes. 

Or paint my own toes.

Or to pack a sandwich for lunch rather than picking something up.

But it is a small sacrifice (and yes I realize a very much entitled one) to go all in on my dreams.


Every yes is a no to something or someone else.

In this case, this no is a vote for my pursuits. 

It might seem trivial, but investing in yourself is scary.

It says this dream is worth pursuing.

It is worth giving a few things up for.


I love those blue boxes that show up in my doorstop.

They will stop coming. 

Instead. I will put that money (and some others) into myself.

It feels selfish and scary. 

But also exciting as helI. 


I was supposed to write this essay  based on the prompt renew. 

And instead I found myself  writing about what I was canceling. 

That isn’t completely true.

Sometimes it requires canceling one thing to renew another.


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