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queen of awkward

Recently I couldn't wait to see a friend.
Even though I knew it was going to be really awkward.
She just suffered a great loss and I knew we weren't going to be able to just hug and giggle about old times. There might be long pauses. Or some staring at our feet. Or laughing and then feeling guilty that maybe things shouldn't be this normal.

This summer I hung out with some old friends. Some were easy. And it seemed that we slipped into conversations like comfortable old jeans. Others were strained, and we weren't always sure what to say. Eventually we caught ourselves laughing almost as easily as we used to, but not after a few conversational dead ends and at least one failed joke. I hope to see both next time I am around. Bring on the awkward pauses, if it means I get to hug an old friend. Even if it means we don't have much in common anymore. I bet if we talk long enough we will find something.

I also have some friends that have made some decisions or done some things that I don't feel very comfortable with. (don't worry...it isn't you...most of those friends probably don't even know that I have a blog).

I have two very close friends that I have been friends with since I moved here. But we have seasons of weirdness. Like when I had to tell my friend, who had just decided to give up on fertility treatments because they were sucking her bank account and heart dry, that I was pregnant. Almost just by thinking about it.
But we tried anyways.
We still had dinner or pedicures.
We still complained about school and laughed.
Even though sometimes I know she cried on the way home.

Friendships may begin over a cup of coffee, grow over a gab session, but they are truly solidified in those awkward moments.
Calling anyways.
Even when we don't want to.
Or are mad or jealous or don't know what to say or don't particularly agree.
Asking about the new boyfriend, the one you think is a bad idea.
Letting them tell the same story, the one you have already heard before, again.
Apologizing, or accepting an apology...even if you want to stay angry for a bit longer.

As far as being a friend goes.
Well, I don't always remember birthdays.
I never write thank you cards.
I often don't think before I speak (read insensitive).
I can't keep a secret.
I am a chronic interrupter.
I make horrible coffee.
But, I don't shy away from awkward.
And I am pretty sure that counts for something.

Comments

samskat said…
I just had a near fallout with a woman I've been friends with for the past 5 years. Thanks for this, I needed a reminder!

P.S. Glad we've stayed friends all these years...Even though we haven't seen each other in at least, what, 12 years??? :)
October 1, 2009 at 4:38 PM
michelle said…
falling outs really suck.
i have plenty of experience there too...which is why i really value sticking it out:)
October 1, 2009 at 7:39 PM
April said…
This is so true, Michelle.

Relationships are messy things. Yet I am convinced, like you, they are worth it!

I found your blog through Elora's. And glad I did. ;)

-April
October 9, 2009 at 7:28 PM
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